AKA "Second-time parenting for dummies" 🙈
Zoe turned one last week! And what a rollercoaster of a year it's been. It has stretched me to the end of my limits, but in the process, revealed God's grace and faithfulness in new and glorious light!
Recently, I saw a video of a mom talking about how with her first, had researched and put every ounce of herself into all things parenting. And her child was this perfect angel who met every milestone ahead of time, had the best social skills, and was just great at everything.
But that her second was always cranky, wouldn't sleep or eat well. She kept wondering if she had missed a trick. And how it just ate at her. Because being a mother was her entire identity. And she felt like she had failed.
As I watched the video, I silently thanked God for teaching me that valuable lesson sometime back. That being a mother was just one of the roles I played. That it didn't define me entirely. That my identity was rooted in being a child of God. This identity is unshakable and secure.
But then it hit me, how often in the past year I *had* lost sight of this. And it was the cause of every single struggle I've had.
When Liya was born, I was anxious all the time. It took a long time for me to settle in. But I was very confident with Zoe. A part of it was faith in God. But I realize most of it was just self-confidence.
When Zoe didn't fit the mould that I'd made up in my head, I started getting frustrated. She would never sleep well. And would always be cranky because she was tired.
It made me very anxious. I became a monster to everyone else. Because Zoe's sleep had become an idol to me.
I felt like I had failed because she was cranky all the time, because I couldn't get her to sleep properly. I kept fighting it. I did everything right. But it just didn't work.
I had only one option left. To let go of trying to control her sleep and her schedule and let God take over. And it was, and at times, still continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.
Not knowing what the day held was so frustrating for the control freak in me. But that's the journey that God had in store for me. To trust Him and take each day, each hour, each nap as it came.
My whole day became these one hour chunks, that I had to rush through and cram in all I could do. Only to have her be cranky all over again and have to put her back to sleep. The putting to sleep bit in itself was super crazy on most days. But through it all, God's grace was sufficient.
Her sleep, thankfully, over the past couple of months has improved massively. But there's other parts of her that drive me crazy now.
She's super curious and adventurous. So she falls more times in a day than Liya did in a year. Her eating is erratic and unpredictable. There are no favorites or "safe" food options with her 😖 And boy, can she scream!
But this is who she is. It took me a while to realize and accept that Zoe is her own person. That she will do things differently. That I can't keep trying to "fix" her. That I needed to just look at the situation in front of me and deal with it, without looking for ideals, but with God's wisdom.
And I've had to allow God to root me in that unshakable identity again and not be swayed by the ways I fall short, as a mother.
God has humbled me to show me that that confidence that I had in my own abilities wasn't going to cut it. I needed to stop chasing perfection. And live in the light of His grace, and His power that always made up for my weaknesses.
But as much as I whine about how chaotic and unpredictable she is, I wouldn't want it any other way. Because this past year has drawn me closer to God in a way that nothing else could. And I have Zoe to thank for that.
I look forward to this coming year. I've always felt that the second year is the best. It certainly was with Liya. But knowing Zoe, she's sure to throw quite a few curveballs, that I'll have to frantically bring to God to figure out 🙄
To another year of figuring out how to parent two. To greater sanctification through parenting. To joyfully stewarding what He has blessed us with!
