Forever Faithful

These past 2-3 weeks had the potential to be the most traumatic time of our lives, if not for my completely faithful God. But why would I possibly imagine a situation apart from Him? For in Him, all things hold together - one of the many promises that have held me up through this time.

Our second child, Zoe arrived on 20th June. She wasn't due for one more month, but she decided to make an early appearance. A few weeks back, we found out that her growth in-utero was on the lower side, and that meant that she was going to show up earlier and smaller than expected. This was, of course, enough to get me to panic. I started imagining weeks of stay in the NICU, whether the baby would have breathing difficulty, how would Liya manage if I need to be in the hospital for a long time, how I would manage expressing milk for her, would there be any other more serious health issues or complications - you name it - the thought had crossed my mind.

And I lost it on several occasions. But there was never a time, that God didn't reassure me that He's got this. Time and again, this was the promise in so many different ways - that He's got this.

Quick flashback to when I first got pregnant, I had some bleeding one day, and I was really broken about it because this was a child that God had promised me. In desperation, when I went to the Lord, these were the 2 verses that were in my devotion plan that day - promises for the remainder of my pregnancy.

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." - Matthew 24:35

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:20‭-‬21

I held on to these verses that day as I found out that my baby was fine.

Cut to the present - I had been hoping for at least 2kgs and 37 weeks, but that was not to be. She arrived as I had just completed 36 weeks and weighed only 1.96kg at birth. I had also been praying and asking God up until a week prior, that if it were possible, that we would be able to come back home in 72hrs, which was the standard duration at the hospital for C- sections. But with such a low birth weight baby, I gave up on that dream.

At birth, Zoe literally screamed her lungs out and it was a good, strong cry. She then had to be in the NICU for observation but she didn't need breathing support and was able to maintain her body temperature. Through the following day, she continued to do well, tolerating oral feeds with good sugar levels.

Down in the ward, I was very upbeat and on my feet, a far cry from the blubbering mess that I was soon after Liya was born. Not to brag, but the doctor and nurses told me that I looked nothing like someone who had just had a C-Section, considering how much I was walking and yakking. But honestly, it's not something I can take credit for at all. The fact that Zoe was doing so well in the NICU was enough to keep me going. I think God just kept all the doubts and anxiety away for those 2 days so I could just recover.

But the calm didn't last long. The following morning, it hit me that I hadn't really seen my baby or held her yet. And boy, did it hit hard. Yet another meltdown filled with worries, questions, fears and doubts.

I finally managed to calm down and asked to go up to the NICU to see her. They let me in and let me hold her. She was so tiny; she still is. They then told me that she need not be in the NICU anymore and she could be sent down to the room to be with me - a miracle in itself!! She was able to latch and nurse like a pro and 24 hours later, they said we could go home.

Mind-blowingly enough, Ephesians 3:20 was actually happening! God was doing immeasurably more than I could possibly imagine. He chose to honour my desire of coming back home within 72hrs, and how! With a pre-term baby who now weighed only 1.78kg but was doing well in every other way, we were coming home! Impossible doesn't even begin to describe this situation, but absolutely nothing is impossible with my God.

The paediatrician warned me that I better make sure she gained at least a little bit of weight, even 10g would do, over the next 48hrs, so that she need not be admitted for phototherapy for jaundice again. I was confident, at first, that the God who brought us back home in 3 days was more than capable of getting her to put on a little bit of weight, at least.

But that confidence again was short-lived. In a previous post, I had talked about how the devil is an opportunist who will just lean into your fears and press exactly where it hurts. Zoe's eyes and skin, that following evening, were a little yellow, and I lost it. I freaked out, wondering if I was letting my ego get in the way and not offer any formula and just nurse her, and what if she didn't put on enough weight because of that. But in honesty, I was choosing to trust God's wisdom in the way He has created and designed a mother's body to nourish her babies adequately. But you know how doubt works. Yet another round of tears ensued.

But once again, God reassured me that He's got this. That He didn't bring us back home just for her to be admitted again. The time came for the follow up appointment and would you believe it, she had gained 100g in 2 days! That just seems impossible and the doctor didn't believe it either. But that's what God managed to pull off!

Zoe continues to do well today, a week since her birth. And God's been strengthening me in ways I cannot even explain, each day, and each (sleepless) night 🙄 His grace has truly been sufficient in every way.

So many times over these past few days, I've wondered what I did to deserve such faithfulness from this amazing God. And I realized that it's just who He is. He simply doesn't know or do any different.

There are so many other instances that I could narrate from just these past 2 weeks, that reinforce just how faithful God is. But I've already gone on for quite a while. Brevity is obviously not my strong suit. If you have read up until here, thank you 😄

Finally, to Him who is able to do exceedingly more than anything that we could ask or imagine, be all my praise, thanks, honour and worship!